Dreaming of You and Your Great-Grandchildren

Dotyn,

Last night I had a dream about you. I was at your funeral and everyone was getting up to tell stories about you and how you'd touched their lives. When it was my turn to get up, I brought my wedding dress along and spoke about how glad I am that you were a part of such an important moment in my life.

I'm so, so sad that you never got to meet Jack, though... It breaks my heart in a way I've never felt before.

You died just ten days after he was born. And it haunts me to this day, remembering how excited you were to meet him... How you'd tell me you thought Jack was a strange choice of names... And how you'd always end our conversations with, "I sure hope I'm around to see him." I'd smile and say, "don't talk like that." It's as if you knew your time was shorter than any of us wanted to admit.

I do have a few consolations though.  You got to feel him kick inside me, you knew his name, and you knew Keisha's children.

Yesterday, Keisha told me she visited your house with Na'Imah but they didn't go inside. Na'Imah (who is talking really well now!) said she wanted to go inside and see you. When Keisha said that you didn't live there anymore, Na'Imah cried. Even typing this right now brings tears to my eyes. Out of both sadness and joy.

Sadness, because even with Imah's limited understanding of death, she still still feels the pain of your absence.

And joy, because even though she's only 3 and it's been over 9 months since were home, she hasn't forgotten you.

And how could she? You're not very easy to forget.

Merry Christmas.

Dotyn,
It's the first Christmas without you and, unsurprisingly, it doesn't seem real. Keisha, Jason, Todd and I  went to Gina's house on Christmas day, and while there was laughter shared between us, there was also a shared feeling of sadness. No one said anything, but we all felt it.  It's hard to describe an emptiness that everyone around you is experiencing, but everyone is also trying to ignore.

You were the elephant in the corner this year. Maybe you were in the corner watching over us too?

Wherever you are, I love you. Merry Christmas.