Emergency contact

Today I had a follow up doctors appointment for my knee. I guess the clerk who checked me in wanted to make sure all my information was up to date. She started asking all the normal questions, address, phone, insurance info, and then she asked for my emergency contact.....  For half a second I started to say Dorothy Williams (773)-737-8222.  As I was telling her my new emergency contact, I thought about the fact that I'd used you as my contact for 25+ yrs. You were always home and always answered the phone.

Beautiful

Over 10yrs ago you switched perfumes, and every Sunday before church I knew you were just about ready to go because I'd smell the faint fragrance of your Estee Lauder Beautiful. And every Christmas when I'd ask you what you wanted your gift to be, you'd look over on your nightstand and say "well, I'm almost out of beautiful". On July 19, I found myself in Macy's, at the Estee Lauder counter with the tester bottle of beautiful in hand. With one smell, you where there too.

Jack Remembers...

This morning, Jack -- who usually sleeps through the night -- woke up at 2:30 AM and cried for 5 minutes.

It was at 2:30, one year ago today, that I got the first call that you died.

Jack was only 10 days old.

While nursing him that morning, I wept over his head.

He is too young to know what he remembers, but I do.

A year ago this week...

This week last year, I began a countdown to Jack's arrival. You began a countdown too... only we didn't know it.

After a 2month stay in the ICU, surgeries, interventions and a trach, the hospital released you into the care of a nursing home. To recover. But you never did.

And almost one year later, I still miss you so much.

It hurts. But I believe you stayed just long enough to make sure Jack made it here safely. And then you let go.

You were always selfless like that. Thank you. For everything.

Maybe just try not to sneak up on me...

Dotyn,

Ever since you passed, I've been a lot more... let's call it "aware"... whenever I find myself alone in the dark. The feeling was much stronger in the weeks following your death, but now even though I'm in a more rational place, it hasn't fully gone away.

I wonder constantly, if I were to see your apparition, would I be happy or afraid? Maybe just surprised.

You're so deeply imbedded in my heart, I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that I feel you with me  everywhere I go, though...

Just one request if you decide you want to stop by and say hi: any time is welcome, but daylight visiting hours are preferred.

I baked you a cake

Dotyn,

It took me a little longer than I planned, but here it is. I got a little choked up mixing the batter.

I was scraping the side of the bowl, and suddenly remembered how, when we Keisha and I were younger, you would take over mixing when the batter got too heavy for us.

I made it with love. This recipe is a priceless gift from you. I hope it makes you proud.

Coming for a visit.

Dotyn,
As I type this, I'm on my way to visit your body. It's strange for me to think about, because I know you - the person I love and miss - are not there.

So why do people visit graves? I guess I'm going because its the only place I can think of to go. It is Mother's Day weekend, after all. Maybe I'm hoping that a glimmer of your spirit remains with your body. Waiting to console and reassure anyone who comes to visit. Well here I come.